Formula communicate effectively with your child
If you have started to put into practice the principles of education, as set out in this article, your children already have to understand that they can no longer control you via whining.
But our goal is not to wean children whining, and to teach them to communicate calmly and respectfully.Agree, if you will come to replace the whims of the alienation between parents and child, the situation in the family will be even more intense.Our task - to replace the disobedience of open and respectful dialogue, which will be useful for both adults and children.
That parents should show their children an example of a peaceful and respectful dialogue.
To completely get rid of the nagging and moods, you have to offer the children a new way to communicate.But remember that the child takes the example of their parents, so you also have to work on yourself.
Treat all family members as friends or colleagues - quietly and respectfully.Remember that the relationship between the parents have a tremendous impact on t
Unfortunately, very few people lucky enough to grow up in a family where parents and children to respect and love one another.Native people often hurt each other.Some can afford in word and deed with her husband (wife) or a child that never would allow relations with unfamiliar person.
How to change the relationships in the family?Start simple - think about how you talk to other family members.There are three ways to interact with others, which correspond to the principles of education:
• aggressive (autocratic);
• Passive (vsepozvolyayuschy);
• effective (Democratic).
Many believe that to achieve their only means of aggression.They shout, demanding intimidated, insulted and ordered.There are people who behave in this way constantly, and those who resort to such methods only in extreme cases.
Everyone at least once broke in response to the whims and whining children.If we analyze these cases, you will notice that there is nothing good that does not have: a child or meet the same or make and revenge at the first opportunity.
Second inefficient principle of interaction with others - permissiveness.Those who stick with it, can not insist on his own, to take the initiative in their own hands and always find the excuse.In other words, these people allow themselves twist of rope.They do not respect neither her husband (wife) or children.Passive parents often resort to aggression when the child takes them out of themselves.
effective (Democratic) communication style based on self-esteem.You set your own boundaries of what is permitted and determine how others should treat you.At the same time you also have respect for the others.Effective communication is necessary to learn.
We offer two basic formula of effective communication.First, you just tell what to do (or what will not do) in the case of disobedience.This formula is widely used in the prevention of the consequences of bad behavior.It should be concise, confident, respectful tone to speak and to remain calm.
second formula of effective communication is useful when you need to have a serious talk with your child (or with any other person).
now analyze the different reactions to disobedience, for example, a teenage girl:
Parents want to spend the evening together, go to a concert in the restaurant.Mom asks fifteen Christy look after her younger sister until they will not.The girl begins to whine and strongly express their dissatisfaction, so parents hurry to leave quickly to avoid an argument.They are upset by what had happened, the evening is spoiled.
How, in your opinion, should parents respond Christie behavior?
• 1 • A passive approach
Mother promises, "If you sit with my sister, I'll buy you the dress that you like to wear to the prom."(. Although parents have long thought that they spend too much on a daughter's outfits)
• A 2 • Aggressive approach
father shouts, "You only think about yourself!We were with my mother need you to relax »
• 3 • A passive approach
Father comforting daughter:" We'll be back.After the concert, we wanted to go to a restaurant, but if you are against, we just go home. "
• A 4 • Aggressive approach
mother threatens: "You'll make a scene - selling your computer."
• A 5 • An effective approach
Parents go, ignoring the nagging dissatisfaction and daughter.The next day they spend with Christy serious talk and explain what made a bad impression on them her behavior.The parents hope that she understood everything and the next time will come wisely, stressing: "Last night, when you start to whine in response to our request to look after my sister, we are very angry.We would like to see in the future you treat our request with understanding. "
We hope you will choose the fifth response, based on a formula of effective communication, as soon as it will help you create the family atmosphere of mutual understanding and cooperation.Why are we so sure?
Formula communicate effectively help you significantly improve relationships between family members.But be prepared for the fact that change the behavior will not be so easy.
First of all, remember that you face two problems at once:
• Using the principles of consequences to stop whining.
• To do so, to replace the whining came open and respectful dialogue.Both parents and children need to learn to talk to each other quietly, with loving care, even on the most problematic issues.
Using the formula of effective communication, you are right, and in a respectful tone of his companion express feelings, thoughts and attitudes.At first glance, everything is very simple, but in fact be prepared to make considerable efforts to implement the principles of effective communication.
Formula communicate effectively - is not only a valuable educational reception.Applying them, you teach children to be honest and open, to express their feelings and desires.The basis of these formulas are the scientific work of Thomas Gordon.In the above examples show how to use simple words can be discussed with the child rather complex problem.
formula of effective communication
«When ty_ I chuvstvuyu_
I would like chtoby_
fill the gaps in the text:
«When you (describe baby steps), I feel (describe their feelings) because (explain why the child's actions cause you to describe the feelings).I would like to (describe the desired course of events, indicate their role and the role of the child). "
Here's what can be said the father to his son after he whined and did not want to go to bed:
«Jeremy, when you refuse to go to bed on time, and begin to ache, I feel irritated because I want that you slept well and easily gotmorning.I would like you to go to bed on time and get up in the morning without any problems. "
All children go through a period when they need to check the boundaries of what is permitted and try the patience of parents.Even if your child does not hysterics, you can prevent bad behavior by showing that you do not suffer.
Parents should discuss in advance with the children some questions and explain to them why they can not hurt other kids, insult them, swear, cheat.Teenagers should explain why you are against the bad companies, what will happen if they come home later than the appointed time, or go back to where to go is forbidden, why can not smoke and drink alcohol.
Such issues need to be discussed with the children in advance and explain what kind of behavior you expect of them and what the consequences are the result of disobedience.This is especially important if the family have teenagers, so parents need to learn to use formulas to communicate effectively.
Also do not forget that the formula of effective communication - this is just one of the ways to convey their message to the child's consciousness.Parents should remain calm, firm and respectful tone regardless of the nature of the offense and the severity of the problem.You can start from an early age, but the formula of effective communication will help to build rapport even with older children.
When you start to apply the principle of consequences with teenagers, be prepared for loud protests, so carefully select expression and be laconic.Try to speak as little as possible and only on, not raising his voice, without complaining or making fun of the child.Consider the first case (there will be two) application of the formulas of effective communication:
father takes ten years Jennifer from school, and they are sent to the stationery store to buy the drawing paper for the job that the girl must pass the next day.
On the way to the store asks Jennifer to stop the car, because she is very hungry and wants to buy an ice cream.The father replies, "No," and explains that her mother had promised not to linger, as dinner was ready, and in the evening she had an important meeting.
Jennifer starts whining that now "die of hunger" that its going to be sick if it is immediately something that is not going to eat that, "Mom would have stopped and bought ice cream."Earlier in this situation, my father began to be indignant, to justify why it can not stop to buy ice cream.But now the father behaves differently, applying the principles of effective communication.
«Jennifer, you're acting so that I have no choice but to immediately go home" - with these words the father unfolds a car and heading home.
Jennifer begins to cry and stomp their feet.She screams that tomorrow will not be able to go to school with outstanding tasks.The father does not pay any attention to it, he had already told his daughter about the consequences of her behavior in a calm and respectful manner.Most have nothing to add to it.
you, of course, plagued by doubt quite natural.This is understandable, because all parents want their children to study well.Therefore, in this situation, you are torn between the desire to teach the child to take responsibility for their actions and the desire to save him from the consequences of manifest irresponsibility.But think about how he will learn to be independent and to fulfill the obligations, if all the time hoping for a magic magic wand - support mothers and fathers?
Also remember that in the education you need to be consistent.It is impossible to maintain a strong position and to give where it comes to school.That no one will benefit.You should be firm, and the child has to learn to think about the consequences of their actions.Believe that, faced with such an answer several times, the child learns that the parents do not, and he is responsible for his actions.
In this example, the father is concerned that Jennifer thinks only of himself, and decides to talk about this with my daughter.He does not want to share the charges or go to cry, therefore please think through their words, using the formula of effective communication.The father starts talking with her daughter in the afternoon, when they had both calmed down and think about what happened.He comes to Jennifer's room and says:
«Jennifer, when on the way to the store you start crying and whining, so I stopped, I was disappointed and annoyed so your behavior because you do not appreciate what I do for you.I would like us to help each other and be grateful for what others do for us ".
Most children, to the surprise of their parents, it is absolutely adequate to respond to the appeal to them in a calm and respectful manner, without reproach, criticism and intimidation.You just have to say that was not the case, and asked in the future to behave differently.In this case the parents are confident that the next time the child will behave better, and this is very important.Children need to feel that their parents expect of them good, reasonable actions.
To reiterate: comments should be made in a calm and respectful manner, without intimidation and shouting, which nullifies all the positive effects of your efforts.Remember: "effective" and "aggressive" - are two completely different styles of communication.The purpose of your conversation with the child lies in the fact that you have listened carefully and understood, and this is only possible if you turn to the other party with respect.
If the child does not take your treatment, or wrangle begins goes to the charges, take a neutral position and exit the room.You must remain calm and firmness, it is not necessary to roll her eyes, sigh heavily, angry or intimidate the child.
showing his irritation and anger, you go down to the level of a capricious child.If you pay him in kind, then let the vagaries escalate into hysteria when rational arguments are useless and powerless.
you, as parents, must first learn to control their emotions.This is the only way to teach your children to communicate without whining, insults, shouting and intimidation.The only way to overcome their bad behavior.Remember: Children follow the example of their parents.
not succumbing to manipulation and without entering into an argument, you teach the child to respect themselves and others.
important to realize that children can not be polite and obedient to their own.But if they see in front of a good example, then sooner or later begin to follow it.Stay true to the ideas outlined in this article, and be ready to follow them, even without getting immediate results.
Learn respectful dialogue is necessary for all, because that is what it helps to strengthen family relationships.Once again we emphasize the positive aspects of respectful communication:
• First, parents can model the educational situation and explain to the child what behavior they expected of him;
• secondly, using a respectful dialogue, parents can cope with bad behavior and not allow whining escalate into a tantrum.
Many believe that effective communication formula apply only to older children who understand what they say, but do not forget that facial expressions and gestures - it is an efficient means of non-verbal communication.Even the smallest child on your behavior is able to understand what went wrong.Children react to the tone of your voice, though not understand the meaning of all the words that you say.Since a very young age you are preparing the ground for mutual understanding in the future, when the children grow up and will understand the meaning of each of your words.
Mistakenly believing that to a certain age the child does not understand anything, and putting his upbringing, you render yourself a disservice.The child gets used, that allowed him to all, so then it will be very difficult to get him to change his behavior.
Education does not start with five years or even three, and from the age when the child is able to trace the link of their actions with consequences that they cause.Formula communicate effectively operate even in the youngest children, helping to lay the foundation for further understanding and mutual respect.
We are annoyed and gritting his teeth, when our efforts around the control children did not help to find a common language with them.We forget that, as parents, can and must work on themselves, to learn, to develop new methods of education, such as the formula of effective communication.Only in this way can we teach children to respect themselves and others, to become full members of the family and society.
Formulas effective communication to learn.Misunderstanding and conflicts between parents and children - is the result of incorrectly selected behaviors.
Remember that family relationships are a model for the child.The ratio of children to peers and adults in the kindergarten or school - a reflection of the family.They treat your friends and caregivers as accustomed to deal with members of his family.
Therefore, creating a family atmosphere of mutual understanding and mutual support, you make life easier for yourself and your child, both within the family and outside it.The methods described in this article will also help to improve relations in any adult team.
Now consider the second case of the application of the formula of effective communication.Every father and every mother at least once found themselves in a difficult situation, which can and should be corrected by the formulas of effective communication.