The development of the marital relationship

The problem is that the marital relationship can not remain the same, it is constantly evolving and changing.It is natural that in the relations of the spouses, some unexpected changes may occur from time to time, but, in addition, there are certain, regular changes, typical of the time of marriage.If we compare the period of courtship and Molo dozhenstva with subsequent periods, we see a typical transition from romantic love to a realistic understanding of marriage.Often it comes to confrontation idealistic ideas about marriage and partner with real minutiae of everyday life.Most often the husband falls silent, as he just nothing to talk about anymore.After the birth of children, new joys and concerns, which relate mainly to his wife.Special stage of development marital relations correspond to the periods of child-rearing, and their separation from parents and possible departure from the house, as well as menopause, the period of panic over the "closed doors" and involution of the senses.

stages of the marital relationship

Sociologists distinguish the following stages: 1) marriage to the birth of children;2) marriage with young children;3) marriage with grown up children, who often leave a parent family;4) marriage after children separated from their parents.

Each period is characterized by the tasks with which the spouses have to cope, and the typical problems that need to be resolved.Difficulties arise in the transition from one stage to another, when the couple can not just rebuild and keep the old principles and behavior characteristic of the preceding stage.It is necessary to help the spouses to adapt quickly to the conditions, problems and needs of the new stage of development of their marriage.

When a differentiated approach to couples therapy, depending on the stage of marriage can also be used periodization proposed at a special conference of the Academy of

not been discussed in the press: the young marriage, marriage, marriage and the average age of mature years.This division should be expanded by adding the marriage and the elderly.When this classification is not unique timeline, so there is some confusion: some researchers based on the duration of the joint life of the spouses, the other - at the age of partners.The periods of the marriage, however, have their characteristic psychological atmosphere and typical problems.

1. The young marriage, in accordance with the opinion of Fanta, - a marriage lasting less than 5 years;according to most researchers, this period is 10 years.Age of spouses from 18 to 30 years.During this period, the couple used to each other, buy furniture and household items are often initially did not have their own apartment and live with the parents of one of them.Over time, there is an apartment that is gradually being heralded, to build their own household.The couple expecting children;with the birth of children, a number of features associated with the care and concern for them.In the professional field the young couple only acquire any skills, they gradually reach a certain position, adapting to a new family situation.Wife some time is on maternity leave.Living together is very expensive, often exceeding the earnings of the young, so they are financially supported by parents.

particular problem early marriages (one or both spouses are under the age of 18 years).A certain risk of such marriages is due to insufficient psychosocial maturity partners bad reasonableness of such a serious step, low professional qualifications, problems with housing and care of children.

Marriage middle age, according to the classification of Fanta, covers a period of 6-14 years, and according to other researchers - 10-25 years from the date of the marriage.Age of spouses from 30 to 45-50 years.At this age, people are economically active, occupy a stable social position and spared the necessity of buying an apartment, furniture, etc. The house is no longer little children, children -.. Students or students who are gradually becoming more self-reliant.The wife, in addition to responsibilities at home, can give much more time profession.

3. Matrimony adulthood (for the same classification) is called the period coming after 15 years of marriage, or after 25 years (according to other sources).Partners in the age range 45-60 years;this age Prihoda called transition between adulthood and old age.In this age period reduced the rate of mental processes, reduces the ability to develop new, it decreases the level of the original, creative and flexible thinking, but it is well compensated by the large volume of accumulated information and experience.At the beginning of this stage of marriage is usually held menopause, which is often accompanied by women increased intensity and lability of psychical processes.By the end of the stage with the release of the couple retired stereotype change their lives.Children leave and create their own family.The couple used to the fact that they are again, as at the beginning of a joint life, left alone, or get used to live with their families to educate their children and grandchildren.

4. Marriage elderly is characterized by symptoms of old age in both spouses.Reduces productivity and increases the number of problems associated with health.Marriage is usually stable.Spouses need help and are afraid of losing each other.Relations between them are what they have developed in the course of a long life together.At this time, already hard to change anything.At this stage of the marital relationship are the subject of marital therapy, only in exceptional cases, and if it happens, it is due to involutional or senile pathological manifestations of personality traits, self-absorption and lack of understanding of the needs of the partner.When narrowing social contacts, in some cases, increasing pressure on the adult children, especially during their cohabitation, which could also be the cause of conflict.Conflicts between the elderly may occur as a reflection of their conflict with the "young" or on the basis of a different attitude towards them.Communication with grandchildren usually enriches the lives of the elderly.

second marriage

Due to the high rate of divorce when couples therapy often faced with the partners, one of which (or both), this is the second marriage.This gives rise to specific problems, which are still poorly developed in the literature.The most frequently observed two types of remarriage: 1) the marriage of divorced men middle age or later to a young, free and childless woman;2) the marriage of a divorced man whose children remain with their mother, a divorced woman with a child or several children.Particular problems can arise with repeated marriages of widows or widowers.

1. Marriage divorced man with a free and much younger woman.The love relationship between these partners once was the main reason for the collapse of the old family.Experiences in the original fornication is so different from the usual family life, full of responsibilities that men reappear enthusiasm and energy.He leaves his family to start a new life.The young woman impressed experienced man, his knowledge and his social position, his confidence in his actions, she admires them and at the same time finds in it his father's traits.Several other case is when long-divorced man looking for a woman free to create a new family.

Relations between them are often first formed on a combination of "parent" and "child" partner, who (according to profiles already discussed marriage) are quite compatible.Further development of the marriage depends on what is saved if this type of relationship, or after a certain period of time, during which the young woman develops and matures socially, it leaves the role of a "children's" partner and begins to conduct its own autonomous line qualify for the primacy of the family.As a result, she is no longer with respect to the actions of their older husband, who earlier appealed to her, and begins with an increased critical about his habits and less flexibility in behavior.It is possible, however, that the man in the initial period of the second marriage will be able to adapt well to the increased flexibility of behavior and keep it for later.

Certain problems may be related to the need for financial support to children from his first marriage, which reduces the level of a new family life, meeting her husband with her children from her first marriage, as well as with some disadvantage in the sexual sphere.If the age difference between spouses is significant, and possibly a temporary reduction in sexual activity, which is slowly returning to its previous level;decreased sexual performance and intensity are often not satisfied with sexually reactive young wife.

2. A second marriage to a divorced woman with children.In most cases, both partners are diluted, and the age difference is usually small.Both were dissatisfied in the first marriage and the new come with the hope that this time the married life will be better.They already have a learning experience, but on the other hand, have become less flexible and slower to change their habits.Wife brings with him a child (or children) from his first marriage, her new husband becomes stepfather.Children from his first marriage have a negative effect on the agreement in the new family.Do adoptive father have problems in dealing with them, with their discipline, that make it much more difficult than the native father.It can be perceived as an intruder children, deprives them of the maternal love.They can protest against any attempts to approach him.The wife may feel particularly wounded when her husband criticized the behavior of "her" children.In addition, you must respect the rights of his own father, which increases the uncertainty of receiving (the extent to which he can lay claim to the actual role of the father in the family).Sometimes the adoptive father does not assume responsibility for the children, loses credibility, feels detached from the family.Problems of education, "her children", he leaves his wife, and when she does it, in his opinion, wrong, criticize it or suppress his impulses, protest, leading to tensions, the emergence of negative emotions.Tensions sometimes weakens or is removed from the birth of her own child, but in some cases it may increase when there are problems in the relationship between "its" and "their" children.

Benefits second marriage compared to the first lies in the fact that the partners no longer rely on the "eternal", romantic love and marriage coming to more rationally.Mindful of the bitterness, which often ends in the first marriage, the partners feel gratitude for all the good that it is a second marriage, and they try to keep it actively protect it.If disharmony in family relations arises again, partners are more prepared, motivated to couples therapy and cooperation within its framework.

interesting issue that requires further detailed research is the question of how often and under what conditions a second marriage is better, the same or worse than the first.In neurotics, persons with pathological traits or with severe complex of frustration (from childhood) in the second (and other) married there the same unfortunate choice of partner, observed the same errors that led to the disintegration of his first marriage.

wife who divorced her husband because of his addiction to alcohol, re-marries an alcoholic.Her husband, divorced from-hysterical wife marries again hysterical.My husband (or wife) brings typical for him (or her) non-adaptive behavior of the first marriage for the second, and the relationship that led to disharmony in the first family, are repeated.My husband is constantly annoying second wife (and first) neglect, lack of interest in domestic affairs, delays in the pub, picky, despotic temper or jealousy.And the woman of his hysteria, constant remarks, lamentations or theatrical complaints can (as in the first marriage) cause a reluctance to come home to her husband.In addition, the partners tend to ignore their own role in the conflict occurs entirely blaming the other, as it was in the previous marriage.Correcting this situation requires a systematic group psychotherapy.

Normal adaptive person, apparently, often make the right conclusions from the previous failure, opting for a second marriage more appropriate partner or behave more intelligently and tactfully.

man, who had in the first marriage too emotional wife, constantly demanded manifestations of attention, evidence of her love and admiration for his second marriage chooses modest, quiet woman.The man, who had in the first marriage too caring wife, from excessive care which he felt to innocent child, a second time selects the woman with whom he had set balanced companionship, or even non-self a woman, count on his protection and care that will enable it tomaintain a sense of maturity and sense of responsibility.The woman, who was married to an alcoholic, wants to find the second marriage for peaceful and non-drinking man, to whom she showed exceptional friendliness and tolerance, if only he will cherish family home.

In these cases, to situations requiring intervention couples therapy, are not the ones that occurred in the first marriage, and the new, associated with the peculiarities of the behavior of the partner.

sometimes the second marriage there is a problem with the difference in the behavior of the new partner (compared to previous).Emotion and motivation can be ambivalent.Here, for example, said that one of our patients, "My second husband - a good man, quiet and gentle, so what I wanted.My first husband was harsh and oppressive, but it was a man. "

The marriage of a widower with a widow, whose first marriage was calm and quite safe, sometimes there are undermining marriage trends comparison with other partner first.Live partner can not interfere with the idealization of the deceased.Memories and tactless reference to the example of the deceased husband may cause stress and dissatisfaction.Such situations often occur in families where the mother leads to a child from his first marriage.In the history of our neurotic patients sometimes slip memories of traumatic psyche acts stepmother (or stepfather).In consultation with the marital problems faced by such rare.

Crises married

Plzak described two critical periods in the development of the marital relationship (Fig. 4).Our clinical data support its conclusion.

first critical period occurs between the 3rd and 7th year of married life, and continues in a favorable case about 1 year.His emergence contribute to the already known factors: the disappearance of romantic sentiment, active opposition to the contrast in the behavior of the partner in love during and in everyday family life, increase in the number of situations in which spouses show different views on things and can not come to an agreement, frequent displays of negative emotions,an increase in tensions between the partners due to frequent collisions.The crisis may occur without the influence of any external factors contributing to domestic and economic situation of a married couple, without the interference of parents, infidelity or some pathological personality traits of one of the spouses.Of course, the presence of these factors accelerates the creation of a crisis situation and makes it worse.

The crisis is growing frustration, found differences of opinion, there are a silent protest, argument, feeling cheated and reproaches.Plzak recommends in such cases, to limit conversations regarding the marital relationship, to suspend sexual intercourse, avoid displays of romantic love, and joint discussion of practical problems (eg, parenting).

Fig.4. The development of the crisis in family relations (according Plzak).

better focus the conversation on the professional interests of the partner, to lead an open life, when one of the spouses does not abandon its interests and relationships (has its own circle of friends, and so on. P.), Than to require the partner sociability.