Psychological problems of the first years of married life

family as a stable social community of people has been in existence for centuries.It is an essential element of the social structure of human society, performing an extremely important task of reproduction of the population.The study of the family, until recently, worked almost exclusively sociology;theoretical concept of the family have been created from the point of view of social functions and family ties with other public institutions.However, in recent decades there has been great interest in the problems of family functioning from different fields of knowledge -.. Of psychiatry, psychology, ethnology, pedagogy, etc. This phenomenon is explained by the fact that, as shown by sociological research, the traditional institution of the family is going through some crisis ofa change in the content of marriage and family relations.The crisis arises from the fact that, on the one hand, the search for some new form of families that are better matched to modern content relationships;for example, the famous A

merican explorer Burr lists and describes about ten different forms of family relationships that existed in the US in the 70s.along with "classic" monogamous family.On the other hand, it is continuously growing number of divorces in our country and abroad;in the former USSR in the early 80-ies.for every three marriages on average one divorce, and particularly vulnerable "young" marriages - almost one third of all divorces falls on families with experience of no more than three - five years.In our article we will try to highlight some of the issues of interaction with the family psychologist point of view.

Filed sociology, in a socialist society is becoming increasingly important subjective factor in the development of the family and marriage;In particular, demographic data show a relatively high specific gravity of the psychological motives and reasons for divorce, such as the diversity of characters, the absence or the loss of a sense of love, and so on. n. At the same time pointed out that one of the main functions of marriage is now becoming a provision of psychological comfort, socalled therapeutic function of marriage.This fact gets reflected in the results of demographic studies of marriage and divorce;but they only fix it, not allowing the analysis of this phenomenon.Deeply analyze the processes of family functioning is only possible with the help of special psychological research methods.One such method - in the broadest sense - can be considered as family therapy aimed at changing the interpersonal relationships in the family and its stabilization;during psychotherapy opened many subtle psychological mechanisms marital interactions not revealed by other known methods.In this regard, it should be noted an article VV Stolin, in which he sets out his views on the theoretical foundations of family therapy, developed in the course of practical work with families in conflict.This article is a program, it directs and orients the psychologists involved in family therapy.

in recent years in our country, the number of consultations on the family and marriage is growing rapidly.Currently, the increasing popularity becomes a form of work with young families as preventive conversations with filed for divorce.In many districts of Moscow at the registry office, the people's courts, public departments of executive committees set up advisory offices help divorcing.Admission to these offices typically conducted lawyers, sociologists, psychologists;the main task of this work - on the basis of a joint discussion to enable the spouses themselves make the final decision - whether to save the marriage or divorce;help them see a few (rather than one) of the possible ways out of the situation.During the meeting, the consultant, together with the client seeks to identify those initial mistakes in the construction of communication with a partner, which eventually led to the decision to dissolve the marriage.But often in these rooms appeal and those families are not in a position to cope with the solution of a problem and would like to get professional help, t. E. The so-called family conflict.In such cases, the main objective of the work - to help spouses find a common language, teach them how to resolve conflicts on their own.

In this article we would like to introduce readers to some of the results and the conclusions to which we came to working with young divorcing spouses in consultation "Marriage and Family" Pervomaisky district of Moscow.In addition to collecting the material author of this article participated GF Deynega and NV Malyarova;analysis of the material held by the author.

Most spouses to contact us - young people between the ages of 18 and 35 who do not have children (as is known to the family, in which there are minor children, dissolve their marriage only through the courts).Because of this, the main challenges that we face - is the problem of interpersonal relations of spouses who have lived together quite a bit of time - from several months to 3-4 years.

Conversations with divorcing were free, non-standardized character;we have sought to ensure that the spouses have the feeling that they can trust the psychologist who is willing and able to help them.Having gained some experience with divorcing, we made an attempt to create a profile, which would give an ordered, standardized material.This questionnaire contains 19 questions;17 of them are aimed at collecting demographic data, and the last two are as follows: "What brought your family to divorce?" And "What led you personally to divorce?".About filled divorcing to talk with a psychologist, and practice has shown that it helps establish contact, finding a common language.Each spouse we interviewed first separately, and then, if necessary and in accordance with the desire of the spouses, conducted a joint discussion of the problems.

received preliminary data on spouses -.. For the duration of their life together, the conditions of residence, occupation, about who is the initiator of the divorce, and so on, we asked them to explain the claims to a spouse, to tell what he was not satisfied,what he cheated expectations.Each client is required to have asked whether he had any difficulties in the area of ​​sexual relations with her husband, as they themselves dare to touch this point is extremely rare, but it is known that the source of many family problems is sexual disharmony;in consultation as there is a qualified doctor-sexologist who can provide real assistance in solving sexual problems;if desired, the couple recorded to see him.

carefully listening to the couple, we tried to make his own wanted to share their problems;in most cases it was possible to achieve this.Sometimes the conversation threatened to turn into an endless monologue about the client's negative characteristics, habits and aspects of the nature of the partner;in such situations, we stopped after a while and the client asked him to remember, whether in his family life prosperous period, and when and why it ended;because of this we again returned to the discussion of marital interaction to major conflicts and ways of resolving them.I ended the conversation after each spouse started more or less fully and clearly aware of their wrong actions and wrong interpretation of acts of the partner.

in progress through our study was about 60 pairs of young childless spouses under the age of 30 years.Conversations with them have shown that about half of them were married on the basis of the motives that lie outside the scope of the family (for example, the desire to get away from home, make a responsible independent step, to avenge someone and so on. N.).The lack of adequate motivation has led to the fact that the spouses did not get up to the task "self-determination" of the family: married clarify roles, intra status of each of them, their common goals.Such couples themselves say: "We did not have a family."Such marriages break up, usually quite quickly once it is found that the creation of strong family ties, requires more serious work and a lot of time, and the young couple this completely unprepared, and, moreover, are not interested in these activities.Therefore, problems in these families are related mostly to the fact that the couple simply did not want to make any effort to ensure that create a stable relationship;they continue to live separate lives, as well as before the marriage, not trying to find some common interests, common ground.Conflicts they arise from the non-essential details, growing then in the long quarrel;gradually they begin to understand themselves, the family have not built up, but to do anything they do not want to.Installations for divorce spouses in these very strong and persistent;According to the Pervomaisky registrar, almost all of them will soon dissolve their marriages.For example, spouses Elena and Igor K. - two musicians love their profession;until they met in the companies, they had a lot of common interests and topics of conversation, they liked each other.The decision to marry adopted under the influence of friends: "Because you get a perfect match!" However, soon after the wedding, once at home, the wife found profound differences in the vital interests and a complete unwillingness to form a family.They lived with parents of his wife, practically "all found";both have retained all of their "bachelor" habits;often quarrel over trifles, and then often do not talk to each other for a week or more without experiencing this specific experience;and the husband and the wife were close friends, with whom they discussed their problems and shared their troubles and joys, while together they have nothing to say.However, they continued to live together out of inertia;after a year and a half after the wedding, his wife met a man with whom then decided to link their lives;told this to her husband, she asked him to divorce;my husband did not mind and they quickly denounced their marriage.

significant number of young couples who came to us in consultation, marry, as they themselves say, for love;these spouses genuinely sought to ensure that start a family, have children later, rejoice together and grieve together.Crowded bright dreams of his radiant future, they nevertheless were not prepared for the real challenges of living together.Many pointed out that only the first few months (and sometimes less), they were satisfied with each other and life together;little by little began to appear friction, conflict, collision, eventually having "unsolvable" situation, of which the spouses have only seen one output divorce.It is of such pairs and will be discussed later.The first year or two joint life- this is the first stage of the family life cycle stage of the formation of individual patterns of communication, coordination of value systems and to develop a common worldview.In fact, at this stage there is a mutual adaptation of the spouses, the search for this type of relationship, which would satisfy both.At the same time in front of their wives standing problem of formation of the family structure, distribution functions (or roles) between husband and wife and common family values.Under the structure of the family is understood as a way to ensure the unity of its members;roles evident in the types of family activities each spouse takes under its responsibility and which addresses the partner;Finally, the family values ​​are the installation of the spouses about the fact for which there is a family that she should bring them.

For successful implementation of the mutual adaptation of the marriage partners need the compatibility of their ideas for the three specified parameters;ideal would be completely matched, but it is not possible in real life.Therefore, any married couple at the beginning of their life together is inevitable in one way or another is faced with a discrepancy of opinions, estimates and beliefs of her husband and the wife on a variety of issues.And, therefore, a huge, if not decisive, role in the process of mutual adaptation plays honeymooners their ability to constructively resolve conflicts that arise.

Owning constructive ways of conflict resolution, you can find a way out of the seemingly hopeless controversial collision and vice versa, with an inability to properly conduct the conflict smallest pretext will lead to serious consequences.Now these issues in the psychological literature paid much attention;developed the principles of the so-called creative conflict, t. e. such a conflict that can be fruitfully used for the development of interpersonal relations of spouses.First of all, each of the spouses must decide whether his grievances and experiences need to be discussed.Then they have to make each other their position and intentions and to choose the time and place for the conflict.In the course of the conflict should be avoided to touch those not related to the subject;should not be applied to the partner "low blows".The conflict can be considered successfully completed after the partners have expressed to each other all that would have come to a consensus on a particular issue and - reconciled.

Thus, the meaning of "to quarrel right" skills for family life can not be overestimated.But if we go back now to the young divorced spouses, please contact our consultation, the first thing that catches your eye - a complete inability of most constructively resolve conflicts.This is evidenced, first, the fact that the conflict is often hidden, ie, his real reason for not becoming the subject of the spouses..;spouses often do not even realize it.But even if there is an open conflict, then it is not solved adequately, since not enough to make a complaint, we must also find ways to overcome them.This can be done after a frank discussion made accusations, during which the partners must demonstrate their ability to listen to each other, to understand the essence of the question, and the willingness to change their behavior or their point of view in accordance with the request.Under these conditions, it is possible to find a compromise solution.

Some couples inability to resolve conflicts is reflected in all aspects of mutual adaptation process;some - only on separate sides of it;it depends on how the same representation of the spouses of a family life.Almost all couples could not adequately solve the problem of the leader of the family;In essence, this means there is no permanent, stable family structure.In cases where a family has a leader, his partner usually will not accept this leadership - or substantially any shape.Leadership, as a rule, is authoritarian and always accompanied by the suppression of the partner.That is why this pattern is observed in some couples, one from the leader of the implementing partners;the second takes a position in principle, but can not come to terms with the specific forms of leadership.For example, spouses 3. (husband, 24 years old, his wife - 20 years, duration of marriage - 1 year and 4 months, the husband - an engineer with higher education, a wife - employee with secondary education), the husband takes the family situation of the leader, he was very authoritarian, persistent.The wife does not feel the need itself to be a leader, it needs care, but her husband's pressure, it can not accept, it requires more democratic.

Another typical variant - both husband and wife, both strive to be a leader, and no one wants to give way to another.This can manifest itself clearly, openly, and can receive and hidden forms when the surface on this issue as if there is, in fact, each of the spouses tends to prevail.For example, in a family of N. (husband, 21 years old, his wife - 23 years old, duration of marriage - about half a year, my husband - working skilled wife - Employee with secondary special education) is a constant open struggle for the lead by a small margin in the direction of his wife.

Ha this soil has a sharp open conflict, which intensified mismatch representations of the spouses on the distribution of roles in the domestic sphere.And the couple K. situation is quite different (husband - 26 years, it is - highly skilled worker, his wife - 24 years old, it - serves as a secondary specialized education, the duration of their marriage - II of months): there is an implicit struggle for leadership, everyone pulls suprygat his side, latent conflict on this basis;the situation is complicated by serious differences in the hierarchy of family values ​​and roles.