Biography meaningful relationships within the family
picture of the dialogue with any of the most important you can recreate with him.It would be even more interesting.Find
especially the time and place: to two hours no one interfered with your shared memories and dreams.You will need also two pencils, two notebook sheet of paper in the cage, 15-20 small pages of a pocket notebook.Stocks also insight, sincerity and trust - all that contributes to the best understanding.It bears would chuvstvo5 and & lt; humor.(You never know what may come across on your general way of life!)
If you do not feel like being at the height of these requirements, you can simply get acquainted with how to cope with our task more daring.Or you can read at the beginning of chapter 5 and 6. They are waiting for you games that enjoy playing even children, honing the skills of understanding and humor.
Well, those who have already decided on a joint biographical quest, we recall the verses of Vladimir Vysotsky:
buried in our memory for the ages and dates, and events, and faces,
discern what is true, what is false, can only be a fair trial.Careful with the past, careful not to break the earthen vessel.
So let each of the two of you will present to begin with the past, present and future (yes, and the future too!) Your joint business life, family relationships, or just companionship.
WHAT AND WHEN?
Now try together to find the most important milestones in the history of events and the future prospects of their relationship.These important milestones and events can be any change in the nature and society, in the family and at work, in health, in the thoughts and feelings.In short, any change - this event.And saying "event" will always mean a specific change occurs instantly or quickly enough.If you would like to mention some long period of life choose for themselves what a thing: the beginning, the end or culmination.
What events in your life together the most important?
... And they both, without saying a word, almost simultaneously said."A trip to Lleksino".
They Vadim and Vera came to consult for advice.How do they live on after eleven years of marriage: together or apart?(Vadim - 34 years old, Vera - 29, the eldest son, 6, Jr. - 4).Now, at the request of the psychologist they peered into the past and future.
- March seventy-five years old, - has offered Faith a second event.
VADIM.No-o!It is not necessary.
FAITH.No, it's just very important.- And to clarify: - The beginning of March and seventy-five years.(Later this event they will appreciate as extremely unpleasant.)
VADIM.So be it.Then, perhaps, and my departure to Kazakhstan.
FAITH.Of course.(And this event also proved uncomfortable for both.)
They are thinking.We looked at each other.Recalls.
FAITH started after university, the birth Deniska, birth Petit.
VADIM.My transfer to another job in his eightieth year.
FAITH.Yes.And your second transition in eighty-three.
- But why only events from the past?And in the future you have anything to expect?
FAITH and VADIM (unanimously).Divorce.
- That's all?Long silence.
FAITH.Still, perhaps the separation from his mother.
VADIM.What has my mother here?
FAITH.... My mother did not survive ... And yet - my going to another job.
VADIM.Yes, your care.And probably, better housing?
FAITH.Of course!(Animation.) And Denis go to school!
shadow of a smile on their faces.Easily confused.
- Another saw something?
VADIM and FAITH.The birth of her daughter.
In addition to these events, and Vadim Faith suggested and others, but were not unanimous in the fact that it is really important changes in their family, and not only his personal life.
However, fifteen events that they called, is enough to create a biography of relations, and therefore in the proposed method is required to name just 15 events.Less - is not desirable, for more than twenty - significantly complicate subsequent work.Each event is recorded on a separate small piece of a notebook in any convenient formulation, understandable both.
Thereafter, on each piece of card, write next to the name of its event date - the time when it occurred, or is likely to happen.Enter the year, if you can - a month (or season) and even number.Now, spread the cards in chronological order.Vera with Vadim they have settled the case.
All events were dated December 1984 is therefore the first nine have already occurred, and the last six - expectations, hopes, ideas about the future together.Recent rather inconsistent.Our friends seemed at a crossroads, "left" - to get a divorce, "right" - to improve housing, to give birth to a daughter ... On the first page of this book is 1998 so that we can already know what came true and what is not.But we will not get ahead of ourselves, but together with Vadim and Vera linger in December 84th, and will continue to reflect on their family chronicle.
Now Let's think about why this occurred or will occur events.About their life together, and you have to think together.
Let's start with the most recent events - at number 15. Put it to the side, as shown in Fig.2. It has many causes, some of them may have hidden among the events leading up to it.Can you, for example, agree with the statement that the event will happen the 15th because it was (is) an event 14th?Or, in other words, the event that the 14th - one reason events 15th?Do not rush to answer.We still have to tell you how it's best to answer one question alone and do not argue with each other.
Fig.2. Is Vera will leave to another job due to the fact that the part with my mother?And why they would part?The meaning of any event becomes clearer if we understand its causes.30-40 minutes will need to ensure that the threads together to unravel the causes and consequences.
Take, please, on a piece of paper of this size, so that they could hide in the palm of your hand.On one side of each sheet set «X», on the back - "O".This will mark your "yes" and "no."
And now let each independently, not expressing his own opinion out loud, put its mark on the table (covered with her hand) up a cross or crosses.Do not forget: «X» - means an event 14th - one of the reasons for the events of the 15th, "O" - Event 14-yo is not the cause of the events of the 15th.
Vadim and Vera simultaneously removed his hands and watched with interest the answers to each other on the table lay two sheets marked with a cross.
And how do you think the event is the 13th cause of the 15th?Answers at your fingertips.
VADIM.Let's see? ..
Again mark crosses lay up, both agreed that Vera care to another job is because two years earlier, a daughter.
The next step - an event 12th.Is it the cause of the 15th?
unanimity Again: yes, better housing, one of the reasons for leaving the Faith to another job.
You've probably already guessed that in the event of the 12th followed by the 11th, followed by the 10th, 9th, 8th, etc.up to the first.And with each event must decide whether it is one of the causes of the events of the 15th.Their answers are recorded in a special table, draw it in advance.
Table Vadim and Vera was 15 rows and 15 columns on the number of events.Each cell responses could be observed both.(It did Vadim.) When an event is the 15th compared to the last event of the 1st, the table began to look like this:
It is easy to find all the answers.According to Vadim, Faith goes to another job (15) because of divorce (10), will improve the housing (12), gives birth to a daughter (13) and parted with my mother (14).Faith, of course, sees more distant origins: in fact the main role in this event - it.By Faith view change as a result of the work will travel to Aleksino (1), the March "mysteries" 1975 (2), postgraduate work (4), the birth of a second son (7), the husband of transition to another job (8), and finallydue to the expected improvement in the housing (12), the birth of a daughter (13), of parting with my mother (14).Look: in eight cases the answers were the same couple (in the cells of the table is "the XX-th" or "00"), and in six different sluchayah- "CW" or "OX"), Concorde is still more!
So, with the event's 15th seems to have understood.Now it will go faster.Put aside the sheet with the event 14th and together think about which of the preceding (1-13) were the events of his reasons.As before, the answer with the help of labels and do not forget to write down your answers (noughts and crosses) in the table, in column 14,
Once the entire column (starting at line 13 and ending with the line 1) is filled, proceed to the analysis of the causesevent 13, then 12, 11, etc.In each new round of causal analysis, you will need less and less time.After all, the 13th event - the 12 preceding it possible reasons from the 12th - 11th, at the 10th - 9 ... and the 2nd - only one.
Forty minutes until Vadim Vera from 1989 (Event 15) reached 1974, which was the very first event in the list.They have, like real "domino", excitedly banging on the table with his palms labels, trying to guess in advance, match their answers or not, and are increasingly drawn to the unusual activity at first.Vera flushed, and Vadim cheered.He carefully wrote down all the answers.
long as they drink tea, exchanging meaningful glances and rest before the final stage of self, listen to that can tell us a table.
TABLE.Reliable, profitable, convenient to store information in my cells.You can find me an answer to any "why" in their life together.Want to find out, for example, why you would be born yet and daughter (Event 13)?Well, the answer, because once you had a trip to Aleksino (1), and a year later was March (2), and soon the wedding (3) and, of course, because in two years you will improve housing(12).True, there are other reasons - my mother's, father's, - but I do not like to talk about what is not consent.And why all of a sudden divorce (10) think?This is what I can tell you that it was not necessary to go to Kazakhstan Vadim (9) ...
pass, perhaps not so many years, and this fictional monologue "veteran ladies' turn into a lively dialogue with a computer that will be yourpersonal secretary-biographer.Psychologists with the programmers have already created the first versions of computer programs that help everyone to interview himself.
In the meantime Vera and Vadim rest, continue our mission.
First of all assemble the sheets with the names of the events in the stack so that the top event was the 1st, and the bottom - 15th.Now you have to think about the purpose of their life together.Put the piece of paper with an event 1 to the side (Fig. 3).
Fig.3. Why was it necessary to go to Aleksino?It is because of what happened at the beginning of March 1975?And if not this, then what .. Even so tricky issues can be overcome if you do not feel sorry for another 30 - 40 minutes on mutual recognition.
Remember, whether each of you have any goals that you wanted to achieve with this event?It is possible that there is no (not everything in life is "for something." But if our question is justified and Event 1 really was the goal, it was not whether his aim Event 2? Or maybe an event 3? 4? 5?... 15? in the analysis of the target, as in reason, perhaps the answer is "yes" or "no". Report them to each other using labels «X» or «On».
family life with Vera Vadim began to prepare,apparently, during the time of the trip in Aleksino (1). Then he decided to use this trip to bring March 1975 (2). a belief so far did not go. She did not even suspect about the possible consequences of a trip. Therefore, the second line of the first columnVadim table recorded "the X" (your answer) and "O" (Faith response), and all other lines of the same column were zero:
Now came the turn of events in order to understand 2. Because the goal is always ahead, then theymay be in this case, the events of 3-15 Recall:.? Does the event 2 to reach 3 events
Vadim replied "Yes" and I thought, maybe, "of course, even then I dreamed that my faith becamewife. "
Vera replied "No".In early March 1975 she had not yet looked at Vadim as her future husband.
continue.Maybe the event was 2 for 4 events?5?b?11 ... 15?Their responses indicated noughts and crosses in the second column.
're in the same way to find the target in the event 3,4 ... 14.
Oh, this is not an easy job - patiently sort through every event, every step of his life, wondering "why?" And not always looking for the answer.But it all behind.Goals were few, but the agreement was nearly complete.Why wedding (3) take place?To give birth to sons and a daughter (5, 7, 13), although the Faith from the beginning was the idea of divorce, and (10).The first son was born (5) to be a brother (7) and go to school (11).Another common Vera Vadim goal - to improve the housing (12), and had to change jobs twice to achieve Vadim (6, 8).All this can be easily read at the bottom of the table.
What is important?
You can learn now not only any "why" and "why", but also the weight (importance, significance) of each event of life together.But before we find out, try to define it themselves, "by eye".
Choose from all 15 events most important to you oboih- the one most strongly affected, or will affect the course of your life together.
VADIM and FAITH.Trip Aleksin
TABLE.What do you!This event is only in seventh place.The most important thing for you is the birth of Denis.
Well, what do you think is the second most important event?
VADIM and FAITH.Probably, March seventy-five..
TABLE.I still believe that marriage was more important for you.
FAITH.Yes you?I'd called her at last.
VADIM.And I probably would have agreed.
TABLE.Of course, with me, and you need to accept.Why do you argue?You better listen to me.
FAITH.And what, I wonder, can you say about divorce?
TABLE.I'll tell you, there are things for you, and more important.I repeat that the most important for you event - the birth of Denis and wedding ^
VADIM.But it seems to be true.Well, then what?
TABLE.Then - the birth Petit, daughter, improved housing.And the more important changes in your divorce.Oh, I'm not talking about March, seventy-five, and on a trip to Aleksino.Do you think such a tragedy - Vadim went to Kazakhstan, and the family need to tear down (in the space, the people fly and nothing to live!).Yes this trip and did you last in importance.I see you are seriously preparing to divorce.And in actual fact you want to improve housing but her daughter to give birth.This and live.
VADIM.I think you know us better than ourselves.Could you explain how you do it?
FAITH.Really, tell me.We may be wrong in itself, "but how to understand where the truth lies, where the fad?»
TABLE.Very simple, if you know how to count.Count all your crosses in my first row and the first column.What happened?Thirteen?Correctly.And in the fifth row and the fifth column as you counted?Twenty three.Where more?Fifth.And you say, a trip to Aleksino important birthday Denis.
FAITH.Something I do not understand anything! ..
Let us examine together.
This will help us figure.4, which shows the relationship biography Vadim and Faith.It contains the same information as in the table of answers, but in a more visible manner.Each event is located in the figure is higher, the harder it is associated with other events, the more often a cause or a consequence of the purpose or means, the stronger is woven into the fabric of life together.
Fig.4. What is it?
-Two hours thinking Vadim and Faith of your life: what and when?Why?What for?
- Memories of eleven years of life lived together, expectations and plans for the next five years.
- Kauzogramma (if not afraid of special terms), ie a graphical representation of the structure of the causal relationships between the target and events sharing of life...Thin arrows left «- & gt;» connect cause and effect.The arrows on the right to the left «& lt; -» are the goals to the means of achieving them.If any of the two events are connected both a cause and target dependencies, then connects them broad line without an arrow "-".Recall the events indicated in figures 1 - a trip to Aleksino, 2 - the beginning of March 1975, the 3 - wedding, 4 - the beginning of work after graduation, 5 - the birth Deniska, 6 - Vadim transition to another job, 7 - the birth of Petit,8 - Vadim second transition to another job, 9 - departure to Kazakhstan Vadim, 10 - divorce, 11 -Deniska go to school, 12 improving housing, 13 - the birth of her daughter, 14 - the separation from his mother, 15 -uhod Faith to another job.
Let's look more closely to the event 5 (birth Deniska).Very interesting.